This is the by now-ubiquitous ‘About’ page. Usually in these sorts of pages, one is supposed to give you an idea about the man, the myth, the legend, behind all of the marvellous stuff that you should be reading here. The thing is though, if it was that marvellous, you probably wouldn’t be reading the about page now, would you? Clearly I’ve messed up something somewhere.

In any case, I guess I should use this opportunity to tell you a little bit about myself, and what I hope this particular addition to the huge morass of generally useless websites will bring you. (I do like the ones with the funny pictures of cats, though.)chris_uk_hat

Over the years I’ve written various things. Blog posts, football match reports (both for professional teams and eminently amateur ones), opinion articles, and a whole lot of tweets. And, given some of these places have since disappeared or fallen into various states of neglect and disrepair, I wanted to have somewhere that I could collate every one for posterity (or more likely, to be totally ignored by everybody).

It’s an ego thing, mostly; more info about that is on the Writings page.

Now that I have a domain name and all that guff, I hope to be able to find time to write a lot more, because it’s something that I’ve loved doing, even though most of the stuff I’ve written has never been read by anybody but me. (to be fair, most of it was crap) Turns out I haven’t been able to find time write *anything*. Not entirely a shock.

In any case. About me – I’m mid thirties, a Brit living in the States, with a cat and very little hair. That’s about it, really. In my spare time I like to play football/soccer (badly), golf (also badly) and my guitar (…..there’s a trend emerging). What I lack in ability, I make up for with a lack of caring about my lack of ability. I decided long ago, that if something is worth doing, it’s worth doing with more enthusiasm than talent.

Not something you’d see on a bumper sticker, it must be said.

(In)Frequently Asked Questions

So, hey, what's with 'Blaggard', anyway?

When I was at primary school I had a teacher called Mr. Fawcett. He was great. Looking back on it now I can probably attribute my sense of humour to him (at least partly), in that he allowed me to have one, even though I was probably an annoying little git. Mr. Fawcett used to put up number sequences during registration, ostensibly to stump the class while he could do something useful, but me – being the aforementioned annoying little sod – was invariably able to solve them. One morning he’d put up something which he’d thought was really hard and was pretend-angry when I got it, throwing chalk at me at calling me “Christopher Blaggard”. In hindsight, it was probably a name he’d given me before, but that’s where I remember it from. Sidenote: if anybody happens to know what happened to Mr. Fawcett. please let me know because I’ve wanted to kind of say ‘thanks’ for years.

 

You spell words funny, Limey boy

Incorrect. It is you, dear American, who has chosen to abuse the fine and noble English language, with your unnecessary Zs and omitted Us. The language is only on loan to you; and yet, like the neighbour (note spelling) who borrows a lawnmower and returns it years later with no petrol and bits broken, you swear blind that it’s better this way.

You’re wrong. Suck it.

Mind you, in my years in the States I have found myself having to tone down my propensity to correct everybody’s spelling, particularly at work. Hardly a good route to promotion when you email people in the office and criticise their spelling of “colour”. It still grates when I write stuff and that little squiggly red line appears taunting my very existence, of course; I’m just trying to learn to live with it. I’m thinking about starting a support group.

Related to this, sort of, is the amount of impotent incandescent rage that I’m capable of when people use the wrong version of “there/they’re/their”, “you’re/your” and – particularly heinous – when they use “of” instead of “have”. I am seeking counselling for this unfortunate affliction, and donations are welcome.

 

Say, Chris. This is a snazzy website that no bugger is ever going to see. Tell me about it

If you insist! Ok, it’s built on WordPress using a theme that I purchased from Rockettheme.com. I’ve done a bit of my own customisation, though, which means that if it crashes again I have a lot of work to do, although at least I’m not totally screwed, because ah-hah! this time I’ve made backups. If for some reason you want to know which plugins I use, ask nicely.
Site is hosted very kindly by Mr. Brian Bentley – you should go check him out if you’re ever in need of an actor with the chops and range to act with both Clare Danes in a serious movie, as well as some snotty little kids in a commercial for a laxative.

The site logo was designed by nice Mr. Edward Gaug. He’s designer type based somewhere in Connecticut who was able to help me with Photoshop wizardry. I had a basic idea of what I wanted but he was able to get it right. I think he does website design too so check him out. He also has a fantastic beard, which is worth clicking on the link for.

 

I made the mistake of looking at your Twitter feed. Puns are dumb

Incorrect again. Puns are the noblest form of humour available. They demonstrate a sound knowledge of the English language, as well as a quick wit and keenness to bring joy to the world. In any case, it’s either that or dick jokes. I can really only do those. I automatically distrust anybody who does not appreciate the art of punnery. I know, it’s a horrible generalisation to make, but one that I feel totally vindicated in doing. It’s like when you realise that only asshats drive Audis – you feel bad for a minute, but then you try to remember a non-asshatty Audi driver, and it dawns upon you that it’s always a mothereffing A4 quattro that cuts in at the exit at the last damn second, and contrary to your pointlessly loud wishes – and the idea of any sort of karmic justice – their genitals do not immediately shrivel up and fall off.