I like bananas. They’re my favourite fruit. When I was a child, I wouldn’t eat any kind of fruit except for bananas, which must have been fun for my parents. Mind you, I was always a fussy little kid anyway – at one point I didn’t eat anything except for bread. Just bread. No butter or anything. Dry bread.

I was a little strange.

Now of course, I’m an adult, so I eat lots of fruits and vegetables and all those things that are good for you, because of ‘nutrients’, whatever they are (although I do sometimes cheat and have a gummi vitamin or two). But I still love bananas. The problem with them, though, is that they’re the goldilocks of fruit. They’re so rarely just right. I don’t like them when they’ve not ripened – they’re green and taste less than a banana than something..well, like something that fell off a tree. And if you wait too long they go all spotty and brown and mushy and resemble baby food – in both texture and in the ability to tell if it’s been eaten yet or not.

Through years of rigorous scientific examination I have determined that it’s best to buy bananas when they’re green, because that gives them time to ripen – into what my hypothesis has called the “Edibility Window” – by the time you actually want to eat them. There is a real danger, of course, that you buy more bananas than can be eaten within the Edibility Window so the remaining fruit passes into the “brown and squishy” phase of its lifecyle.

I occasionally wondered what happens if you leave bananas for too long; the romantic side of me rather hoped that from the mushy carcass, a beautiful banana tree emerged ready to nourish you as its parent never could. But..no. Having once left inadvertently left a banana in my car one summer, I found out that that most definitely does not happen, although you do get some flies to accompany you while you drive.

Bananas come in bunches, proving that fruit – just like zebras and antelope – like to huddle together to avoid getting eaten by lions. (Don’t laugh – ¬†how many bananas have you heard of getting eaten by a lion? None, that’s how many – the big cats can’t peel them. Thus nature prevails once more!). This naturally makes trying to buy them separately an arduous task. You could, in theory, go to the shop as and when you fancied a banana, but that rather denies the point of what is essentially nature’s snack food, and in any case – as I’ve already alluded to – there’s rarely a guarantee you’ll find a banana at the correct riposity (my own word) when you need it.

The main upshot of all this is the bananas are by their very nature a wasteful food. I would hazard a guess that only about 60% of all purchased bananas are actually consumed, meaning that the bargain “79c per lb!” you see in the supermarkets is a bit of a lie. But I’m trying to eat better, and everything I’ve ever read on the subject seems to suggest that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I tend to be somebody who runs out of my house in a panic in the morning – usually singing a song of my own composition, called “ohshitohshitoshitImgoingtobelateforwork” – so I’ve fallen back on bananas as my breakfast.

Actually, thinking about it, I honestly have no idea where I was going with this post. So I shall stop. Maybe I’ll come back to it if I ever remember how I was going to end it.