I was never really good with expressing emotion. I remember being really small and falling over in a neighbour’s back garden, and when I burst out in tears I was told to stop being a girl. And then as I got older I would get into fights with my sister, which was okay until one day I was suddenly bigger than her and I’d really hurt her. This was scary to me, because despite our arguments, we were always very close, and I didn’t really want to hurt her. I think it was probably around that time I made a decision – conscious or not, I’m not sure – to always be in control of my emotions. I found that I could compartmentalize feelings, to be worried about or dealt with later. And then – again, not sure when – it seems that I stopped dealing with them. I didn’t really have much fun growing up, what with one thing or another, and even though I don’t feel like I really blame anybody for it, I think my propensity to bury my feelings has cost me. Usually I think that I’m being self-reliant, or independent, but it’s probably a case of my hiding from my anxieties or feelings. Any psych major will tell you that is probably A Bad Thing, but that’s just the way I’ve always been. I honestly think I’m a good person. I’m not perfect, sometimes I do stupid thoughtless things but I really don’t believe them to be deliberate. It’s funny, too, because despite the fairly thick skin I had to develop, insults and jibes from some people still cut really deep, deep enough to make me want to dig a big hole, and jump in.
I dunno. I’m not really sure where to go from here. Always thought I was a rather strong character, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite as vulnerable as I do now.
That’s the end.