Last week marked the six year anniversary of me starting work here. God, that’s depressing. You know how far a beam of light could travel in those six years? 6 light years, thats how far! And thats bloody far.

I’ve always been a bit wary of the idea of space. Even the name….’space’ just seems so bland. They should have called it Gargax, at least that sounds interesting.

“gargax, the final frontier”…has a ring to it, dontcha think?

When I was at school they said something like “space is infinite in size, and its expanding” which just goes to show that some astronomers are clearly on drugs. Surely if something is infinite in size then it’s impossible for it to expand. And, if its *not* infinite, what is it expanding into. Nothingness?! That’s just another word for space. If you use my theory, you can say “gargax is really big, but its expanding….and it expands into….space!” See? everybody happy, except the aliens.

I can never quite understand why aliens, given their supposed superior intellect (immeasurably superior to ours, as Richard Burton once said. Or read) feel the need to come to our crappy little planet and stomp about, generally causing trouble. Okay, I can sort of understand grabbing a few random americans and doing….things….to them because clearly any being who’s been travelling for thousands of years in what is (let’s face) just a sardine tins with a few lights on, is going to want to wind down a bit, let of some steam, stretch their legs. (tentacles, possibly) In fact, its probably more fun to plant the idea of said messings-about in the hick’s head, just to see the reaction of people who know him.

People say “ooh, they come here so they can learn about us”. Thats just rubbish, isnt it? What could aliens learn from us? That consolidating your existing credit agreements into one easy monthly payment could significantly reduce the interest you pay? That some people will do just anything to get on the TV? No. It’s not learning at all.

The earth is just a great big alien fun park. Rather like Alton Towers, except perhaps without the 15 year old kids saying “yer, it was dead boring, that” before puking up behind a bush. See, Joe Alien can come to earth and have all sorts of fun….he/she/it could do some art, and make corn circles. They could have a getaway weekend in the himalayas, free yeti costumes included. Or they could go to a murder mystery weekend in the Cotswolds and pretend to be the Cooks from Catterick, those people you always seen on holiday that always seem just a little too perfect; so perfect, in fact, that it takes all your self control to not stave them in the head with a late 19th century ashtray and instead invite them round to your neck of the woods sometime next summer, you know, “just to catch up, its been such fun”. That’s why you never see them again: they’ve buggered off back to their own planet, thankful that whilst it may be covered in liquid nitrogen, and with a sun about to go supernova, at least there’s not wall to wall big brother coverage.