If there was one thing that I’d like to be able to do well (aside from talking to women and *not* sounding like a fool) it’d be dancing. Any kind of dancing, really. I’m not entirely without rhythm, but when I get up on the dancefloor to shake my booty (as it were) I somehow miss the stop marked “Dancing genius, all bow down to my funky stuff” and go straight for the terminal, marked “Danger! Epileptic attack in progress.”

But, and this is the weird part…I actually quite like dancing. However, because of my lack of co-ordination, I’m usually pretty reluctant to actually do any if I’m surrounded by people who know me. This is especially true if someone says something along the lines of “ooh, go on, have a bit of a dance, you know you want to.” Possibly I have a slight stubborn streak! That said, if I’m out with the football guys then they can’t dance either, so I feel much less self-conscious.

Mind you, the sort of movements you find at most nightclubs could hardly be called dancing in any case. Without wanting to make too much of a generalisation, I just don’t think straight blokes can dance. Ever. Seriously. Go on, work it out in your head…how many of your heterosexual male friends can dance without looking like there’s a small ferret that has been let loose in their trousers? Now do the same thing with your gay friends….I bet you..ooh, at least a pound, that the first score will be proportionally much lower than the second.

It’s possible that men just aren’t designed to dance. It’s more likely that we’re genetically programmed to stand on the perimeter of the dancefloor nodding our head (possibly in time to the music) or, if we’re feeling especially groovy, tapping our feet as well.

I’d actually quite like to have a go at ‘proper’ dancing, like salsa or something like that. But I fear that, like sex, dancing is something you really need to do with a partner. I mean, you can, in theory do it on your own, but it’s not nearly as much fun and people will look at you funny when you try doing it in the post office.

Trust me on this