Okay, so I thought it was time to post something non-beard related. (it’s gone for now, by the way….had an attempt at that shaving thing yesterday. Still crap at it, have a war wound on my cheek. If anybody asks where I got it from I tell them I was protecting a young lady’s virtue. Although these days virtuous ladies in Torquay are pretty rare. 😉 )
Anyway. Been thinking a lot about stuff recently. I know, it’s a curse, I try to do very little of it. But I was thinking how many things are over-rated. Possibly there’s plenty of things that are under-rated too, but that’s probably a post for another date. Obviously I can only talk about my opinion of things that are over-rated, because my opinion is the one that I know best….and is the one that is right, okay? So I shall attempt to make a sort of list here, and since doubtless a couple of these will be regarding…hmm….’adult’ issues, I should probably apologise to my mum in advance. But I won’t, cos I love the idea that I might shock her a bit.
Right then, I suppose I should probably start at number 1. The thing that I feel is the most over-rated experience in the world. You know when you get to about 13, 14, (okay, mybe 9!) and suddenly the opposite sex becomes apparent to you? You go from not wanting to talk to girls because, well, they’re girls, eugh, (looking at this from a male perspective, obviously) to suddenly not being *able* to talk to girls because, bloody hell, they’ve developed breasts, and opinions. Freaks, all of them. And then you spend a lot of your time in a hormone-induced daze, just wondering what it would be like to persuade one to ‘do it’ with you! Finally, one night, probably after you’ve convinced a young lady that you really are that charming, (either that or she’s so drunk she doesn’t care!), you get to do…you know, ‘it’ for the first time. And it’s absolute rubbish! Really! I honestly don’t know anybody who said their first time was a magical experience. Most of the time its just fumbling, with added tissues. It doesn’t last very long, you’re far too nervous to really enjoy the 17 seconds of lovin’ you actually get, and in truth you’re just relieved the wait is over. I’m not certain how women feel about this subject, but for blokes the first time we have sex is not a learning experience, unless you have the good fortune to be ‘taught’. You don’t feel like you’re a man at all, because you know you were rubbish, and you spend the rest of life trying to do exactly the same thing without making a mess so soon. It’s easy for girls. You just have to be naked. (as a slight aside, I happen to think kissing is one of the most under-rated things about. Really. A really good snog you can remember for life. This is the bit that shows I’m all sensitive and stuff. You may go “awwww”…..thank you)
Aaah, so, moving on. Number 2. Bit of a direction change here. For the me another greatly over-rated thing is the Lord of the bloody Rings. What is that all about? “oooh, its about hobbits, and its great, and there’s elves.” Bollocks. The books are far too long, with too much poetry, (which nobody ever reads) and the films are impressive on a technical level but as with the books, they go on too long. I just don’t see the point. The only reason the films did so well was massive, massive publicity. Sure, the fights scenes aren’t bad, rather exciting, and everybody seems to think that Gollum fella is cool, (despite looking like the Artful Dodger out of Oliver! after 20 years of heroin abuse) but other than that – They are just boring!
Number 3 brings me back, in a roundabout way, to where I started. This time I feel that threesomes are over-rated, both kinds, and for various reasons. Now, before I start, I’d like to point out that these sorts of shenanigans have never happened to me, so I can admit I’m flying blind a little here. Okay. 2 men and one woman. Come on! Does nobody but me see the disaster just waiting to happen here? Blokes are naturally rather competitive. Any occasion in which we’re liable to see other male genitalia is bound to make us feel a little insecure. What if she goes to him more than me? What if he’s better than me? Admittedly, this sort of male insecurity happens all the time in relationships, but we men find easier to believe that “Darling, you’re more than enough for me” is meant sincerely when she’s not gasping at some other guy’s equipment. For me, though, the over-rating of threesomes involving 2 women and 1 guy is the worst. Oh, sure, we all *love* the idea that there are 2 hot women just lusting after us, but really – it isn’t that common. Speaking for myself, if two women came up to me and said “Chris, you make us so horny we both have to have you now” I’d run the other way. Really, I would. I can’t win. In theory it should be great – none of the aforementioned comparisons, for a start. But I would just worry that I’d not be needed, and I’d be sat in the corner whilst the two women enjoyed each other company, with me looking on, probably trying to learn a thing or two. Threesomes are clearly an urban myth created by women to keep men happy. “Of course, I’d love a threesome, darling.” Sheah, right. It’s like stockings. There are only actually 3 pairs of stockings in the whole world. No, really. It’s physically impossible for more than 3 women in the world to be wearing stockings at any particular time. Again, it’s a male control device. “Yes, I always wear stockings, look” becomes “I only wear them in the summer” which itself becomes “Only on your birthday, dear, okay?” There’s probably an internation stocking call centre where women can put in requests. “Okay, you can have the black stocking and suspender on tuesday week; it’s booked until the sunday, and Rachel in Newcastle has a fancy dress party on monday, but after that, they’re yours for the week.”
So, those for me are the top 3 over-rated things. Things that did not make the list (or would have, had I not got tired half-way through number 3) include “That feeling of wellbeing after going to the gym” (it’s bollocks, I just feel tired, and sweaty, and decidedly unattractive.), “actually sleeping, spending the night with someone” (yeah, it can be nice, but dammit, I have just too many arms…where am I supposed to put them? I could put my arm around, but it’ll go numb…) and, finally, “going out on the town”. Okay, it can be fun, sometimes….but not *that* much fun. I can think of better ways to spend my time.