I really hate it when people say to me “ooh, guess what I had a dream about last night, it was really bizarre.”

But….I had a really weird bizarre dream last night. This is so off the wall it’s lying in the middle of the kitchen lino saying “ooh, the wall is *miles* away.” I don’t know if you’re like me when it comes to dreams..when I wake up, I can remember everything quite clearly, except that I’m not always sure about the running order, as it were. Anyway, this dream.

I was wondering about, I don’t really know where, and I find a penguin waddling around. It didn’t seem very old (dunno how I know that, not as though I can count the rings.) and I felt really sorry for it. So I picked him up and took him home. As you do with penguins. When I was at home we were out in the back garden I decided to teach the penguin to fly, apparently forgetting that penguins can’t fly. After some flapping-arm demonstrations by myself the little fella seemed to get the idea, and off he went. The penguin flew! Sadly, I had neglected to teach him how to land again, and he fell out of the sky with a sort of a *splat* noise. The next thing I remember is getting my mate Richard Attenborough to start doing a documentary about my flying penguin. With Dickie’s resources, we were able to have him followed around all the time. The last thing I remember is the penguin’s first attempt at catching a fish. The BBC frogman was swimming alongside wielding the camera, and my little mate (bless him!) managed to grab the little fishy and swallow him whole. The saddest thing about this little tableau is that I missed it. Richard phones me up at work and says “Hey, he’s just caught his first fish.” and I get all tearful and say “Dammit, my work is always going to get in the way of the important events at home!”

And that’s when I woke up.

I hadn’t been drinking, I hadn’t been smoking anything ropey, I hadn’t been up late playing video games…so what the hell is that all about?! I seem to remember someone telling me that dreams are the brain sort of…warming down. You know, filing the days events. Must have been a bloody weird day. As if the BBC would spring for an underwater cameraman.

Funny really..when I was thinking about writing this here earlier on it was going to be much more interesting, and only slightly less freaky.