The ‘mascot’ for the Percey Mackrill team was a monk that had been named “Brother Percey”. I’ve honestly no idea why this was the case – it happened long before I started playing – but once I made the website I thought it might be a cool idea to have the monk write an occasional blog. This is the kind of time I had back then, apparently. Anyway, like many things, it turned out to be a lot less interesting to actually do it, but regardless, I’ve included what I’ve been able to recover, simply because I can.
21st September – Droitwich Calling
This week I have mainly been watching Monty Python’s Holy Grail. I like the scene where the knight visits Castle Anthrax and is being threatened with sex by a load of nuns. That actually happened to me once. I was in Droitwich for the day, visiting an old friend of mine, and a group of nuns collared me just outside Kwik-Save. I was about to shout for assistance when one of the nuns told me I would be offered worldy delights, the like of which I had never seen before. Naturally, I assumed they were talking about a bit of the old “hows-yer-father, father”, but it turned out that the manager of the supermarket had given them some coupons for half-price Babycham, and the poor old sisters wanted to get drunk, and shout at cars like all of the other girls. I told them that they were an out-of-order order, and ordered them to read the bible in the correct order.
..in my capacity of official club mascot, I sometimes get invited to all sorts of interesting occasions. Last Sunday, I didn’t get invited to Huntingdon racecourse to participate in the Mascot Grand National. The gits. They just don’t want to see a religious man win, I know. Oh yeah, if I was some sort of comedy animal, like a duck-billed platypus, they’d love to see me, but a harmless, if rather dashing, monk? No thanks! In any case, the race was won by Graham The Gorilla. Why do you call a gorilla something like ‘Graham’? You want to give it a macho, hard-man name, like…Goliath. Goliath the Gorilla, that’s much better. I remember a couple of years ago some mouse was going to win until his foot fell off coming over the last. That had to be pretty humiliating. I always like to watch the stragglers come in; the proper mascots, the seagulls, the rhinos, and (my personal favourite) the Shrimp from Southend United F.C….which looks strangely like a man in a Klan outfit. His white hat (or head, I spose) is so pointy that if he were to fall over, he would seriously endanger anybody in front of him.
Anyway, that’s all for now. There’s some hot nun-on-nun action in the Monastery Channel in about 10 minutes. I think they’re methodist nuns. They’re really horny.
And they don’t correct your typing mistakes. Look, I’m a bloody monk, do you have any idea how difficult it is to type one-handed whilst wearing a cassock and looking at fhm.com?
7th October – Women in football shocker
I didn’t actually realise that Torquay has a Ladies Football Club. Let’s face it, most people are blissfully unaware that we even have a football league team. I used to think that women shouldn’t be allowed to play football, because they’d look silly, but having seen Ballo storm down the wing the other day, I’ve reached the conclusion that nobody could possibly look as silly as that, so perhaps ladies playing football is quite a good idea. Having watched ‘Bend it like Beckham’, I now know everything that I need to know about women’s football. Apparently, you have to have ex-member of All Saints (don’t get me started, they were anything *but* ‘saints’…which was great ).
Oh, and they have to have an film star in their team, too.
I did a bit of research on the internet, and apparently, ladies football is quite popular in America, you know, across the pond. (bloody big pond…what happens if you kick your football into the middle? you’d need more than a big stick to reach it) Although, they call it ‘soccer’ and, in a strange twist, the yanks are actually quite good.
Since the last time I wrote something here, I’ve been doing quite a lot of driving. I’ve got my test coming up soon, and I’m a little bit concerned. See, they’ve been going really well, my lessons, and I’ve been getting quite confident. But now, it’s just possible that I’ve been *too* confident, because I find myself speeding. I mean, it wasn’t so bad. The dog was very old, and the kid will probably be able to walk in a month or two. In any case, when I do pass my test, I’m going to get a car without air conditioning, because wearing a cassock with a lot of cold air swirling around is no picnic, I can tell you.
15th November – General Randomness
Part of the reason that I got my own email address, (which by the way, is [email address removed because it no longer exists]) was to avoid all the Junk Mail I used to get at my previous email addy. Hardly any of it is any good at all. Once you’ve seen one “Christina, 19, from Wisconsin” be “a bad girl for the first time”, you’ve pretty much seen them all; I don’t need my breasts enlarged, thank you (I’d never leave the monastery); and I really don’t want to have my penis enlarged herbally, the natural way, and 100% guaranteed. And, in any case, it doesn’t bloody work. At least, that’s what a friend of mine from Paignton told me..
The only problem now, is….no bastard ever emails me. Apart from Ballo, but he probably doesn’t count. (a bit odd, that one)
I know it’s been a while since the last time I wrote something here, but I’ve been busy, I really have. I’ve been in Ireland promoting my charity, “Monks for Monkeys” in which each of us ‘freelance’ monks wander around Europe trying to drum up support for our monkey-saving schemes at Paignton Zoo. You should see them, the poor little fellas…all the get to do all day is sit on that bloody great rock and do sod all…all the damn day.
We’re going to save them by buying a really good monkey outfit and smuggling ourselves onto that rock. It seems so much fun. We’ve got a rota system all worked out, already. I get time there on every alternate tuesdays and fridays, except in february when I have to spend the month raising cash for the “Priest for Parrots” campaign, in which we buy some feathers, and some really bright paint. Okay, parrots don’t have much fun, but at least the look cool while they do it.