The Mighty Perceys finally managed to get their first win of the season, cheered on by the James Down Appreciation Society. The Perceys lined up without a recognised goalkeeper, again, so Pornmaster Cocks said he would go in goal for the first half. Badcott returned after a very rare absence, and Dan Murray was apparently unable to find a good enough excuse to not play, so he came too. Uncle Terry was probably in a Torquay pub, wondering why nobody had phoned him. Alex Head was also restored to the heart of the Percey defence after a nice holiday in, I think, Mexico. Piss-poor planning, if you ask me, going on holiday when the Perceys have vital games.

The opposition, the Olympians, appeared to be doing quite well thus far, and as ever, they were mostly ‘fairly young chaps of between, oooh, 18 and about 24’. (much to the disappointment of Badders, no doubt, who seems all to keen to point out your correspondent’s slightly dodgy comments. Like “pretty young lads”. Anyway, that’s not important right now. Obviously)

The game started slowly, with neither team really wanting to gift the other an early goal. The difference in the Perceys defence was highly noticeable, too, with the commanding Head on hand to mop up any pressure. The first half chance came from, of all people, Ballo, who used his searing pace to run in from the left onto a corner. His shot fizzed towards the goal, but by the time it had got there it had gone a bit flat, and the goalie made a good save.

About half-way into the first period, the Olympian goalkeeper ventured outside of his area to collect a poor back-pass (about 3 miles outside of the area) and the referee, whose name escapes me, pointed to the spot. Handily, the goalkeeper appeared to have decided to dive right about a century before the kick, and it was easy for Down to convert, despite the Olympians claims that he’d taken more than one step. No, I don’t know how they could think that, either. Shortly after that, Ballo collected the ball from the ‘keeper, took it round an oncoming Olympian and unleashed a beautiful ball to Scales on the left. This part didn’t actually result in anything, but I thought I’d put it in cos it shows that Ballo contributes occasionally.

At this stage, all of the Perceys were playing well. The result of the half consisted mainly of stout defending by the triumvirate (oooh, triumvirate, posh word. Read match reports *and* get educated.) of Head, Badders, and Ballo. Terry was doing his usual Icecapades in the centre of the pitch, and Marek and Scales were ever-keen to push on. 1-0 at the break, then.

After a very good first half, Cocksy valiantly volunteered to stay in goal for ’10 minutes or so’. The second half started with some severe Olympian pressure, but again, the defence held firm for possibly the first time this season. Unfortunately, though, immediately after a top-draw save by the Pornmaster, he contrived to throw it out to the same guy, who scored this time. It was the only mistake Cocksy made in an otherwise excellent goalkeeping display.

This is usually when the Perceys have a slight collapse, but not tonight. Instead, the quality defending continued with loads of excellent communication between the players, which, it has to be said, is occasionally not there in games. A tactical (hah, tactical) substitution saw Ballo replaced by Murray, and it was through Terry’s Twinkling Toes that Perceys went in front with the goal of the game. (and possibly of the season so far) A roll-out from Cocksy to Head, a little exchange of passes with Terry, a scorching run that took him around about 16 players (well, okay, 3. still impressive, though), and a clever pass out wide to Down. Then, a perfectly driven cross to Cole, who made no mistake and scored with aplomb.

This was when the Perceys really started to turn it on. Down, possibly boosted by his fanclub on the touchline, scored two well-taken strikes to bring up his hat-trick. Scales, who, despite not having been mentioned very much so far, played well, was unfortunate with a couple of chances late on, but by that stage the Perceys were safe, and nothing that the Olympians could throw at them in the last 5 minutes really threatened. Incidentally….why are they called Olympians? I didn’t see them in Athens. Although…we did run rings around them. Boom Boom. Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week. Try the beef.

Team; Cocks; Head; Ballard; Badcott; Cole; Down; Scales; Started as sub. (reward for telling porky-pies last week) – Murray.