Perceys slip to another defeat, this time in a Plate competition in which they were undefeated last season. Missing Badcott, who’d let us know last time that he wouldn’t be able to make this game, it was expected that the Perceys would start with a dead 7. However, Car Park decided that he had ‘forgotten’ the game was on, so when Ballo asked him if he was coming, the reply was a blank expression, and a “oh, my missus has just turned up.” Even when said missus said she didn’t mind waiting for the game to end, he decided he didn’t really want to, and promptly buggered off. Tosspot. We shan’t be calling on his services again, I’d rather go in goal myself than be subject to those sort of whims.

Anyhow, fortunately the Pornmeister had remembered to bring his trumpet, and a quick phone call to Colin Stych, (more in desperate hope than anything else) meant that the Cat was able to bring his long-travelled gloves with him.

Once at the pitch, though, it became apparent that Danny Murray hadn’t turned up, either, meaning that the Perceys were forced to play with 6. More on that later. Fortunately, Clare was able to be persuaded to run the line. Glutton for punishment, obviously!

The opposition (and from here I’ll refer to them as the ‘Reds’, because they had to wear red bibs. And also cos I neglected to make a mental note of their name. Whoops.) were all pretty young lads, as they always are these days, and from the kick-off, one of their players was allowed to stroll through the defence and smash a shot against the bar.

Not soon after, however, a Red shot nicked off Ballo and deceived the Cat. 0-1. Naturally, though, the Perceys were able to reply in typical Percey-esque fashion. And no, I don’t mean concede another 3 goals. (That was later.) Scales was able to score a nice goal to make it 1-1. At this stage, it was difficult to tell which team had the most players. Well, unless you counted them, obviously.

Perceys were playing well, and won a corner not long after. The ball was played back to Ballo, who decided he’d do a clever dummy to let the ball run to Cole. Sadly, though, the wind (yes wind, that’ll do as an excuse) prevented the ball from reaching Marek and a Red player was able to nick in and bear down on goal. Cocks, who generally had a good game, got back very fast and made a clever backpass to Cat – So clever, in fact, that the Cat must have been lost in amazement at this piece of skill, cos it went in to put the Perceys down 1-2.

Still the Perceys came back, like great big white-shirted comey-backy things. Good work by Cole on the right got the ball to Cocks, who scored with aplomb, in the right goal this time. The Percey’s problem was always going to be getting men back to defend, and this was borne out when a Red player scored by sliding the ball underneath the diving Cat. 2-3. This lead lasted about, ooh, 3 minutes before Scales pounced on slack Red play and equalised again. Almost immediately, Ballo put Scales through again with a lovely pass, but sadly the crossbar denied the Perceys a half-time lead. 3-3 at the break, then.

This is the part of the report where it starts to get a little depressing. I could bore you with the details, but that’s not going to enrich anybody’s lives a great deal, so I’ll just do this;


Bugger! – 3-4

Balls! – 3-5

Arse! – 3-6

Great big aliens from the planet Cockup! – 3-7


By this stage, there were only about 12 or 13 minutes left to play. Typically, the Perceys started playing the ball around quite nicely, although the other team realised that they had it won by this stage. A beautiful goal with good passing, nice movement, and…some other cool stuff meant that Cocks could at least make the score a little better. So then, the Reds scored again. And then we did, I think it was Cocks to claim his hat-trick. Woo. Oh, one other thing of note. One of the Reds decided that he was fouled, strangely enough immediately after losing the ball, and promptly performed a two-and-half-twist somersault with pike. Ballo, usually an epitome of quiet authority (?!) shouted “Oh, get up!” really loudly at the Louganis-wannabe, but ref Burman had clearly been duped and awarded a free-kick. This part isn’t really relevant, but it pissed me off, so hah.

The post-match inquest centred mainly around the non-appearance of Dan “Gosh, guys” Murray. Normally so reliable, too. The reason became apparent when Down realised a message had been left on his phone. Apparently a bit…ahem, worse for wear, Dan seemed incapable of using quite a simple mobile telephone and was under the impression that he was talking to Terry. Quite who this Terry is, nobody knows, probably not even Dan. Anyway, it was funny. The End.

Team; Stych; Ballard; Down; Cole; Cocks; Scales;