I was in the Post Office this morning, in the normal course of work, and I was stood in the queue with about, ohh, at least 12 people. They were all there to pick up their pension, I think. Anyway, after about 5 or 10 minutes of standing there listening to 2 old biddies behind me discussing “the problems my Eric has with his piles”, my attention started to drift somewhat. And I started to think of all the things that old(er) people say to you, and the fact that none of these make any sense at all. I’ll list a couple of examples. You can apply your own old lady impression, if you like..I do.

“OOOh, I haven’t seen you since you were 2 years old! Haven’t you grown?!”

“Kids today! They were different kids in the old days.”

…and I got to thinking a bit more (because by this time one of the old dears was telling the PO Clerk about poor old Eric’s haemorrhoids.) Will I turn into an ‘old man’ when i get old? Well, obviously, I’ll be an old man…e.g. a man who is old, but will I develop the hatred/jealousy for youth and refusal to accept anything new that so epitomises the older generation(s)? Admittedly, I am probably already plenty cynical enough to fill the role, but I’d be pretty disappointed in me if I started to, for example, that no proper music had been made since 1998, or that the classic Torquay United team of 2003 would wipe the floor with 2040s version…I don’t want to be an old git, ever.

As I started to near towards the counter, I developed a new problem…I had a really loud and (very likely) foul smelling fart brewing. So I was stood there, in all my clenched glory, trying to keep this most personal version of chemical warfare safe, and wearing a very strained expression. Just as I approached the counter with my business, I lost the battle and it sort of squeezed itself out with a sound that can only be described as “parp” (I’m sure you know what I mean) Observing the shocked expressions on the visages of other customers, I did the only decent thing possible…I pointed at the two old dears in front, and whispered “Piles, you know…does terrible things..”