…the sort of people your mother used to warn you about


Steve Badcott Age: 34 Position: Generally a defender. Pops up anywhere.
Nickname: Badders

The most experienced member of the team. A legend, basically. More appearances than anyone else, quite a few goals, and several referees crossed off the christmas card list. I’m fairly sure he used to watch a lot of tapes of Ron ‘Chopper’ Harris, because he does have a slight tendency to, shall we say, ‘take out’ one of the opposition every now and then. Can be a bit of a marauder down that right-hand side, popping up to drive one home unexpectedly. On one memorable occasion a couple of seasons ago, Badders had to be physically removed from the pitch by his own team. Quality!

Andy Cocks Age: 34 Position: Midfielder
Nicknames: Cocksy (well, duh), Pornmaster General

Been playing for ages. Holds the Perceys record for the most consecutive appearances. Known as the Pornmeister thanks to the amazing amount of pornography that he has been known to sell. This, in turn, lends itself well to plenty of really awful innuendos when the match reports get written. A skillful midfielder, Andy has been known to turn several defenders inside out with his tricks. Has been the regular penalty take for a while, despite the fact that he has missed the last 3..Even more amazing is when he shouts for the ball. Many times have I woken up late at night, dripping in sweat, and the last memory I have is of an insane newsagent shouting “Now!! Now!! Here!! Now!!!”

Good for lifts.

James Down. Age:25. Position: Anywhere
Nicknames: Whisky. Jumbo. er..downy?

Secondary school teacher James Down has been like a brick for the Percey’s at the back, and he has suggested that he keep an eye on the 6th Formers of his school for any, er, ’emerging talent’ Whether or not that means more players remains to be seen. This season has seen Whisky operating mostly as a sort of utility player, scoring plenty of goals in the process. The James Down Appreciation Society (J.D.A.S.) has, therefore, seen its membership swell to about, er, 3. James is an afficionado of the Walls Hill pastime of, hmm, ‘dogging’. Apparently.

Mark Faulkner. Age: 35 Position: Defender/Makeshift Striker.
Nicknames: Faulks, Pies, Twiggy

A stalwart of the Perceys team since the start, MF has returned after a stint in soft-core porn. Probably the most instantly recognisable of all the Perceys, he is the highest scoring player ever, and has probably set some sort of record for being called a ‘tosser’ by the opposition more times than anybody else. Still likes to nip forward and sneak a goal every now and then.

Due to his amazing diet success, recently, we have been forced to start calling him ‘Twiggy’. Recently got rather badly injured playing for the Perceys, leaving himself stranded on 99 goals for the team.

Chris Ballard. Age: 25 Position: I know every position…
Nicknames: Ballo, The Scientist.

One of the more recent additions into the Percey fold, Ballo the Bookie has impressed all with his ability to turn up. Generally quite good at giving the ball the old hoof when we’re winning with 3 minutes to go, although he has been known to display the odd bit of skill, which surprises quite a few people, including himself. His aim this season is to score…another goal. Tried growing a beard last tuesday. Didn’t work. It made me look like a total git. Shaved it off. Found out I was a git underneath, too. Bugger!

Alex Head. Age: 23 Position: Defender/Midfielder
Nicknames: Hmm. Doesn’t seem to have one. Suggestions, anyone? Big Al, possibly.

The quiet tall man of the team, Alex has come on in leaps and bounds since joining Perceys. Despite his girlfriend being a feature in tabloid newspapers, the David Beckham rugged hero keeps a lid on things rather well. A collossus in defence, let’s hope that Alex remains in the area as a nicer bloke you could rarely meet.

Marek Cole. Age: 23 Postion: Midfielder/Forward
Nicknames: Marek. (okay. so it’s his name, but how many people called Marek do you know? Exactly)

Another quiet man from the old Priory schoolboys select XI. Now, yet another teacher in the Percey ranks. (that’s 4, now.) Marek has re-entered the Percey fold after a spell away. Claim to fame is probably the occasion when he was told he’d scored by the rest of the team, having turned away in disgust at his shot, only for the rest of the side to see the goalie drop a clanger and let it in.

Dan Murray. Age: Ooh, 26? Position: Midfielder/Forward.
Nicknames: Minty! (well, yeah, it isnt. but it should be. ) Terry

Is this man nicer than Jesus? Dan is probably one of the nicest people any of us have ever met. Good player, too. Tricky, tight ball control, so to speak. Has been known to not turn up, and then try to cover up, really badly. Nicknamed Terry as a direct result of this amazing excuse cock-up.

Liam Scales. Age: 25 Postion: Forward.
Nickname: Scalesy.

The fastest man Clennon Valley has ever witnessed, probably. Many as oppostion goalkeeper has been panicked into missing the ball completely when seeing Liam bearing down on him at 80 miles an hour. So fast that he often meets himself coming back to defend.

Andy Kingdon Age: About 18 Position: Goalkeeper
Nickname: I’m going to try ‘Ronaldo’
Came through the Percey Mackrill youth system, otherwise known as ‘Whisky giving him a kick at school’.  Bloody good goalkeeper. Has a rather worrying tendency to like a little of blond put in his hair, which actually made him late for a match once. Hence the Ronaldo tag. Big girl.

Mark Eaton. Age: 35 Position: Goalkeeper.
Nickname(s): Eats. (we havent thought of anything better yet. Give us time.)

A recent addition to the Percey ranks, coming from the Pieman Academy of Football. Word has it the Eats is an estate agent, but we try not to hold that against him. Replaced the re-retiring goalkeeping legend, Colin ‘Cat’ Stych. Seems to have disappeared off the radar of late. Dunno where he is.